


once, twice, in my previous lives

by PatternsInTheIvy



Category: The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August - Claire North
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Dark fluff, Implied Torture, M/M, Very questionable morality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28585632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatternsInTheIvy/pseuds/PatternsInTheIvy
Summary: In a world where Harry is not a mnemonic, Vincent learns that although forgetting is death, remembering is a curse.
Relationships: Harry August/Vincent Rankis
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	once, twice, in my previous lives

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from the song "Until Eternity" by Blackbriar (which is, honestly, a goldmine of inspiration for this pairing).

After a few lives, the mirror becomes a secondary motivation in your life. So many failures, not to mention what it cost you.

Finding Harry becomes your prerogative, your _raison d'être_. 

It is unfortunate, and of your own making, that losing him repeatedly also turns into your mission. 

On one side, he is not Harry. No, _that_ man you killed, and now all you have are the splintered parts of what used to make him, floating through space and time again and again. Smiles, grimaces, a twist of his lips, the tone of his voice when he has a brilliant idea… all him and _not him_ at once. 

Sometimes you abhor those moments, they make you want to grab Harry by the shoulders and shake him until his teeth are chattering and he is looking at you with the fear and revulsion that your presence should inspire in him.

The other times… well, when you are in a particularly dauntless mood, those instances make you want to grab the back of his neck and pull him into your direction until your lips are crashing together. This, you think, is how you two should always have ended up. You could have had eternity, but all you have instead is this fractured, endless existence. If only Harry hadn't been so stubborn and nearsighted… 

Your shoulders shouldn't carry the weight of guilt alone, but they are the only ones that bear the burden of the memories, the knowledge of what once could have been and the anguished yearning for something that will never be.

Throughout dozens of lives, you stay by his side, cherishing and despising the man in front of you. Sometimes you wish you could forget—forget everything you did and the cyclical future that you stole from yourself.

Remembering is a curse, but forgetting is death. 

It comes the time when it is almost unbearable to look at the man in front of you and remember what he once was, is not anymore, and will never be again. 

There was no other way, you will say, and in most days, you even believe that. 

Truth is: there was, and you knew that from the very beginning, before the point of no return. 

And yet, you went ahead with the Forgetting. Once, twice, so many times that you pretend you've lost count.

Sometimes the idea of completely leaving him behind almost wants to cross your mind, but you shoo those thoughts away before they can even take form. Finding Harry again and again is both your bane and your blessing, and the resolve to leave him be is not something that makes your spirit.

What makes your spirit, your soul—if such a thing even exists—is this pull that exists to always find Harry, whatever this is… 

You don’t have it in you to call it love. Maybe time has made your notion of that concept decay little by little, life by life. Or it could be that you never understood that, and your mind took fixation and possession and put them in a package where love should have been instead.

A few more lives pass, and you realize that depriving yourself of eternity is a foolish thing. Maybe it is a weakness that makes you come to that conclusion, but in that moment you are not ashamed of being a weak man.

In the next life, when you meet Harry, all of the pent up yearning and desire simply spill, and you do feel daring one day, enough to say some of the things you've always wanted to. 

Your reward for bravery comes in the form of a whispered admission, months before.

"I sometimes feel as if we've met before, it is like you know all about me."

"Oh, Harry," you whisper back, staring at those trusting blue eyes, "you are not alone in that. I feel like I knew you in my previous lives."

You don't ever make him forget again.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to leave your thoughts on this, I'd love to read your comments. I'm testing out this pairing.


End file.
